TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely from spot. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have An additional position where American Gentlemen can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: present All people a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from space, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public Trump Tower Damascus reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting awareness from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD might have transform-down assistance."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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